Happy Birthday, Dad

I am blessed with two wonderful, talented, supportive parents, both of whom have been and continue to be role models, inspirations, and dear friends.

Tomorrow we celebrate my father’s birthday, and in honor of this blessed occasion, I wanted to do something truly special to honor the Godly, patient, and loving man who has so profoundly shaped my life.

So we asked our readership to submit cheesy jokes for us to share in the spirit of fathers everywhere.

Here’s what we came up with. Enjoy. 

Love you, Dad!

You know why the crack in your fanny [yes, my dad says ‘fanny’] goes up and down and not side to side? – So that when you slide down a banister you don’t go *thbbbbb* [make motorboating noise with lips and index finger]!

How do you make holy water? – Boil the hell out of it!

You know what they say about horticulture.
What, exactly, do they say, Dad?
You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make’er think.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? – Fsshhhhhhhhhhhh.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? – No ide-ar! (works best with deep Southern accent)

So a string walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, ‘We don't serve your kind here.’ The string walks out onto the street, and ties himself into a knot. He then unravels the ends around the knot and walks back into the bar. The bartender takes one look at him and says ‘Aren’t you that piece of string I just threw out?’ The string looks at him and says ‘Nope – I’m a frayed knot.’

Who's there?
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning.

When someone calls you, answer the phone in one of the following ways:

“Mulkey-Mason Funeral Home! You stab 'em, we slab 'em!”

“Roadkill Cafe! You squish it, we dish it!”

“Brittingham Summer Home, some’r home, some’r not.”

One female friend submitted this one:

“The first time I ever had a boyfriend over to the house to meet the family, my father served chicken.  Everyone sat down except for my father who walked in with the platter of chicken and his shotgun.

He then asked my date which he preferred: leg, breast, or thigh?

My date quickly excused himself and I never heard from him again.

When I turned on my Dad, he smiled politely at me and told me ‘What?  He could have said wing!’”

Three guys walk into a bar – the fourth guy ducked.

So a grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Wow! We've got a drink named after you!" Grasshopper looks at him quizically and says, "Really? You have a drink named Bob?" 

My favorite joke Ever:
So this Irish guy walks out of a bar. 

A guy is hunting in the woods and he comes across a bear. The bear starts to chase him and he can't get away so he prays "Dear Lord, please let this bear be a Christian." When he looks up at the bear he hears him say "Dear Lord, thank for you this meal that I am about to receive..."

What do call it when an elephant and a rhino mate? - Eliphino.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red? - To hide in the strawberry patch.

What did one house say to another? - Honey, I'm a home!

Did you hear that the guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey died? – Yeah, they had a rough time keeping him in his coffin – they’d put his left leg in, he’d put his left leg right back out.

What did a cow tell another cow that said a bad joke? - Why would you ever utter such nonsense?

A man rushes into a doctor’s office, obviously agitated, and exclaims, “Doc, you gotta help me, you gotta help me! I’m a teepee, but I’m a wigwam! I’m a teepee, but I’m a wigwam! I’M A TEEPEE BUT I’M ALSO A WIGWAM!!!” The doctor held up his hands and said, “Relax, relax, you’re just two tents.

Here’s another that’s more a story than a joke, but still hilarious:

A few years ago a friend's dad and a buddy were flying out to Vegas for some kind of convention (I forget what for). They sat in their seats on the plane and this really gorgeous woman comes up and it turns out her seat is the one next to Dad.

Dad being who he is struck up a conversation with her. He asked where she was from etc. and why she was going to Vegas. Well, it turns out she was the keynote speaker at a convention there...the Nymphomaniacs Convention (apparently they have one...who knew?).

So of course, Dad and his friend's ears perk up a bit. Dad asks what kinds of things she's going to be talking about. She said she's addressing myths about sexuality. The first, is that most people believe that black men are the most well endowed. This, apparently isn't true, it's Native Americans.

The second, is that French men make the best lovers. She claims that this isn't true either, it's Jewish men. Well, around this time, she realizes they have been talking for a while and she doesn't even know his name.

So she she says, "you know, we've been talking for a while about some pretty intimate stuff and we haven't even exchanged names. I'm Kristin."

He says, "Oh, it's nice to meet you , Kristin. I'm Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." ;-)

Why did they have to lock the cemetery gate? – People were just dying to get in!

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!"

Why does a seagull fly over the sea? – Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a bagel!

What lights up a soccer stadium? – A great match!

Here’s another story from one of our friends:

“When I was little, my parents had the "Buns of Steel" videos on VHS. As a kid, I punched my dad in the butt all the time, and I would make fun of him saying that I hurt my hand on his buns of steel.

Well one day, he stuck a piece of metal in his back pocket without me knowing it and to prove he had buns of steel, he made me stick a magnet to his pocket.

I was convinced for a year that he really did have buns of steel!”

What did the ranch say when somebody opened the refrigerator door? – Hey, shut that, I’m dressing!

A musical joke:

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few rounds, the fifth is diminished as the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom, assuring everybody that it would just be a second.

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

What day is it today? – It's Friday. All day.

How do you make a hormone? – Don’t pay her.

Did you get a hair cut? – Nope. I got all of them cut.

What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

So a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, and civil engineer were arguing about God. The first said, “God is so very obviously a mechanical engineer. Look at the human body – the beauty of the skeleton, the power and flexibility of the muscular structure!”

The second shook his head and insisted, “Oh come on. God is so definitely an electrical engineer. Take a look at that same body – the nervous system is so far beyond anything we can come up with in terms of subtlety and conductivity!” They then began to shout at one another, trading barbs in a flurry of engineering know-how.

Through all of this their third colleague had just been smiling. Noting his silence, they turned to him and asked why he was smiling. “Because you’re both wrong. God is most definitely a civil engineer.”

They laughed outright at this ludicrous assumption before hearing him continue:

“Hey, let’s go back to the human body. Who but a civil engineer would think to run a waste disposal system through a playground?”

Thanks for reading, folks. Hope you’ve enjoyed this Communal Edition of Cure for the Common Crazy!