Egg and Cheeze

From Joanie:

I am a smart person.

As in, was in Gifted. Tested well. Learned new languages and difficult music with ease—I speak tone row, for [expletive deleted]’s sake.

I say this not to brag, but to preface this:

I do some really [expletive deleted] dumb things sometimes.

For example, several months ago, I decided I wanted an egg and cheese sandwich. I like to make these with a piece of toast, loaded with cut up hard boiled egg, and cheeze—yes, cheese with a Z. Either Cheese Whiz or Velveeta will do.

I know it’s not real food, and is fairly disgusting, but hey, I’m allowed to make some poor choices with my diet now and again.

I usually make this concoction by putting it into the microwave for 15 seconds—just long enough for the Cheeze to be gooey.

This was going to be difficult without a functional microwave. Our microwave had blown up—well, ok, not really. It had made a loud popping sound that said “I don’t want to live anymore!” and then emitted a smell somewhere between melting plastic and cigarettes. Anything cooked in the microwave after that point tasted like it too.

So the microwave went to the magical farm where retired appliances frolick and play happily.

Living sans microwave is actually very doable—we reheat in the oven or on the stovetop for leftovers. We even decided not to bother replacing it after we move again.

Except for that [expletive deleted] egg and cheeze sandwich.

I didn’t want to turn on the oven, as it was spring in the south, and it’s already 85 degrees by 7:30 am.

So I decided to copy a Lifehacker trick for making a grilledcheese sandwich in your toaster. It’s really simple—all you do is set your toaster on its side, put in the bread and cheese, and voila! Grilled cheese!

Surely this would work with eggs on top of it, right?


Fifteen seconds later, as Michael was fanning the smoke alarm to get it to stop beeping at us, and I had unplugged the toaster and beaten it with a towel to put out the open flames, my egg and cheeze sandwich was done.

By done, I mean burnt and unpalatable.

Now that we need a new toaster AND a new microwave, we’re thinking it might be time to compromise and get a toaster oven in case I get a craving for Cheeze.