Your New York City Apartment in Winter: A Menu

From Joanie:

New York City heat in the winter is generally included in rent. You’re given options for your heat, which make me feel like I’m in a terrible restaurant, as depicted below:

Your New York City Apartment In Winter

Milton’s Lake of Fire: Heat On
Enjoy a searing hot apartment where you can wear shorts and a tank top and still be uncomfortably warm. This dry heat comes on at random without any control by you. It also comes with a clanking “Ghost of Christmas Past” noise, at irregular intervals, but most likely at 1:30 am, 3 am, and 5 am, or when you are trying to watch Downton Abbey in  peace and quiet. Prepare to come home from work to a stifling apartment and to wake up in the middle of the night sweating profusely.

Dante’s Inferno: Heat Off
Our finest selection of chills and drafts: live the life of the characters of Puccini’s La Boheme! Comes with need for sweaters, slipper socks, and/or slippers.  Enjoy an early morning cold toilet seat and toes that feel like the Others in a George R.R. Martin novel. Getting dressed after the shower  will necessitate moving at lightning speeds. You may come home to an apartment that is as cold as the outdoors and wake up in the night shivering.

Me: Excuse me, waiter?

Waiter: Yes? Have you made your selection?

Me: Well, not yet. I have some questions about my options. If I choose the Lake of Fire, can I get a humidifier?

Waiter: Yes, but the only available humidifier is leaky and needs to be cuddled.


Waiter: Yes. Also, it only has the capacity to keep the room moist for about three hours. After that, it serves only as an irritating night light. You can place pans of water on top of the radiators. It’s barely effective, and has the added benefit of being unsightly and inconvenient should you need to use those pans to cook something.

Me: Hmmm...we don’t have very many pans. If I opted for Dante, could I use a space heater?

Waiter: Sure! That will have an added charge, which conveniently shows up on your electric bill. It may cause a short circuit and will also dry the room out.

Me: Ok...for the Milton, could I crack a window?

Waiter: Of course! You’ll probably get sick again and again, but heat will certainly be more evenly distributed.

Me: Am I dead? Am I in hell?

Waiter: ….no?