Why I don't buy pants on the Internet

-by Joanie

Today's is a short one, but it was an actual conversation Michael and I had recently.

Me: Michael, do these make my butt look gigantic?

Michael: *silence*

Me: They give me mom butt, don't they? How is that possible? I've never given birth!

Michael: They make your ass both nonexistent and omnipresent.

Me: These are going back.