Office Chain Job Application

After some recent encounters at Staples, Office Max, and Office Depot, we at Cure for the Common Crazy have come up with what we are pretty sure appear on a chain office supply and copy center application:

1. Do you have long, pointy acrylic nails that render doing any kind of work at all either impossible or take extra time and difficulty to complete? (No application necessary, you are hired!)

2. Are you unwilling to complete tasks in a timely fashion?

3. Are you unable or unwilling to follow simple instructions?

4. Can you further frustrate business customers by repeatedly making mistakes and moving even slower to make corrections?

5. Are you impervious to human expressions of frustration, disappointment, or anger?

6. If a customer requests some action, will you do anything but? (For example, waiting for someone to show up instead of calling as requested.)

7. Are you completely unwilling to do any work whatsoever? If so, please discard this application and proceed to the United States Postal Office, where you have been hired.